


Only A Girl

by Lia_Petros



Series: Supercorp: Ray of Light [6]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Confused Lena Luthor, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Crisis on Infinite Earth, Post-Crisis on Infinite Earths Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Slow Burn, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23269852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lia_Petros/pseuds/Lia_Petros
Summary: “I still remember how you decided it was best to cram everything bad that happened to you in those boxes and shove them to the back of your mind.”She doesn’t want to hear whatever story Lillian has about her childhood, as there is enough pain that comes to the surface when Lena has her weekly therapy sessions. She doesn’t need to suffer through that outside her therapist's office.“Please, don’t tell me what happened,” she says, her voice soft and emotionless.—Lena finally learns what made her compartmentalize her feelings in a box and that knowledge is bringing a lot of feelings she had put aside since she was a teenager.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Series: Supercorp: Ray of Light [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1617532
Comments: 17
Kudos: 145





	Only A Girl

**Author's Note:**

> **Sensitive content warning:** This chapter references to alcoholism, domestic violence (mention of), internalized homophobia. If any of these subjects bother you at any level, please skip the scene between Lena and Lillian Luthor. Be safe.
> 
> I want to take lifeofanerdygirl on Tumblr for beta'ing this one-shot. You saved my life. <3
> 
> Also, I was thorn between _Only a Girl_ by Gia Woods, _The Voice Within_ by Christina Aguilera and _Girls_ by girl in red for the title. However, Only a Girl was my first choice so I kept it. But the other two songs also match the feeling of this one-shot.

Drowning her sorrows in alcohol isn’t a healthy coping mechanism. It’s the sort of thing no one needs to tell Lena. She knows it. Despite this, she just can’t stop pouring scotch in her glass and drinking it until her thoughts are hazed.

All Lena wants is to mend things with Kara peacefully. She doesn’t want ‘complicated’. She is looking for the simple things in life, like a nice friendship. But that’s the problem, right? Nothing is ever simple when you carry the Luthor name. She should know better than this. Which is why she should know that wanting to truly mend things with Kara _and_ Andrea is probably an impossible task.

How could she have known that somewhere along the way Andrea would fall in love with her? Yes, the young Luthor has always found it strange that the popular Andrea Rojas decided to talk to the weird and shy Lena Luthor, but throughout the years, she has never questioned her motive for initiating their friendship.

At least she had proof that therapy was doing some good, as Lena hasn’t lashed out, questioned or doubted their entire friendship over a crush. Even though she found out it wasn’t just a crush, as Andrea explained this to her a few days later after their meeting at Gonzalo’s.

What matters is that Lena wasn’t unfair with Andrea; she’s learning, after all. She was unfair with Kara, but the raven-haired woman is evolving, growing. She doesn’t want to lose the people closest to her.

However, the kiss triggered something inside her and that’s why Lena has been drinking since then.

She doesn’t blame Andrea. Crushes might be like that, as she reflected hours after their kiss. She thinks that maybe she has misled her old friend somehow.

However, it didn’t matter anymore because she is on good terms with Andrea. But the same can’t be said for her and Kara.

Nothing bad happened this time, but ever since the moment Lena saw Kara in the restroom and witnessed Andrea kissing her, Lena has started to imagine what would’ve happened if it was Kara kissing her instead.

She has come to the realization though that she needs to stop herself from thinking these impossible thoughts especially considering she isn’t like Andrea or Alex Danvers. No, she is Lena Luthor, CEO of a multi-million-dollar company, a heterosexual.

Of course, she was well aware that maybe she should talk about _that_ tiny detail with her therapist, but they were dealing with other issues first. It was in her best interest to not overlap everything that happened in her life, as she had enough to talk about as it was. There was a reason her appointments always lasted two hours because heaven knows one hour a week just didn’t cut it for her.

So, yes, Lena drinks. Which is mainly on Thursday nights after she’s had her weekly sleepover with Kara.

God, why did Lena have to be such a good cuddlier?

—

Later that day she receives a text message from Kara explaining that J’onn has finally decided to do what she asked and would restore Andrea’s and Lillian’s memories

However, as soon as she finishes reading the message, she knows something is up. Normally, when it came to texting Lena, Kara would send an endless number of gifs and emojis being the total dork she is. However, this text was completely serious. Lena doesn’t question it though and quickly types a simple _thanks_ and pours herself another glass of scotch.

Ironically enough the first person to reach out to Lena is Lillian, but the young Luthor postpones their meeting because she wants to speak to Andrea first and make it clear to her friend that her intentions are genuine.

This wasn’t the case at the beginning when she went to visit Andrea at CatCo to talk about Leviathan, but now Lena means it. She can’t lose Andrea again and decides to ignore her mother in favor of her friend.

They decide to meet at the place where Noonan’s used to be. Gone was the coffee shop and in its place is a 50’s themed diner. It was always the little changes that unsettled Lena. There were days where she almost forgets that she is on a completely new Earth, and then finds herself colliding with Jessica Huang, her former secretary that now is one of the board members and the realization hits her like a ton of bricks.

She’s already in a booth when Andrea arrives looking disheveled. She isn’t a complete disaster, but it is just enough to catch someone’s attention. She was the CEO of two major companies after all, which required maintaining a sleek, put-together image.

“I’m _so_ sorry I’m late, Lena,” the brunette greets her by placing a kiss on each cheek. “However, not only did I not expect _that_ visit, but Obsidian Platinum has some coding problems we need to fix soon.”

Lena was joyful up until the word Obsidian left Andrea’s mouth, as her smile turns into a frown, unable to hide her displeasure and disappointment.

“You’re still going to launch it?”

Their eyes meet and it feels like a staring contest. There’s a seriousness in Andrea’s eyes that sparks Lena’s anxiety and causes her heart to beat faster.

“You tell me, Lenita,” she says, furrowing her brows.

“Me? Drea, it’s your project, you’re responsibi--”

“You know what I mean, Lena.”

Her words come out harsh, and Lena can’t help but look down at her lap and fidget with the hem of her shirt.

“I... if you are trying to ask me if I was trying to use you in the first place, then yes, I was. Leviathan is a threat like no other, and Lex thought--”

Andrea scowls. “Lex? Really, Lena? Lex thought something, and just like the teenager Lena that I once knew, you actually believed him? Again? After everything he had done against the world? Against you!?”

The young Luthor wanted to cry. It wasn’t like she didn’t remember what it was like to be held hostage twice by her own brother Because of him, she used to have nightmares which she recently found out from her therapist that they were actually night terrors. Even though she distrusts him, she just can’t seem to stay away.

“It’s not like that. I don’t trust him.”

“So, what do you want from me?”

“Your friendship!” Lena shouts, offended by Andrea’s implications.

“You confided in me that you were once in love with me! I think we both know that I could’ve just walked away from you, but I didn’t do that because I didn’t want it. I... I reacted poorly when I saw you with the medallion that could’ve stopped my brother because I believed in my mom’s stories. It was a connection that I had with her and that connection blinded me. But the medallion was never mine or hers. I...”

The truth hits her like the force of the incoming train. She reacted to Andrea taking the medallion and keeping it for herself the same way Kara had reacted when the blonde found out she had kryptonite.

Kara was unfair to Lena the same way Lena was unfair to Andrea.

“I came back into your life out of malice and poor intentions, yes, but now I really want us to be friends again.”

“Why? What has changed?”

She shrugs.

“Me. I’ve changed.”

However, she can sense that her answer is not enough to Andrea.

“I can’t be alone. I… don’t make good choices when I’m alone or close to Lex, but I’m working on that. I’m... seeing a therapist and--”

“Wait, you’re seeing a therapist? It’s about fucking time!” Andrea shouts, throwing her hands up in the air.

Lena’s eyes widen at her response. She never thought that someone in her life finding out that she was going to therapy would react this way.

Luthors don’t go to therapy. They simply put their feelings aside and move on to other things.

Her friend smiles, mocking her.

“What? I always thought you needed it anyway,” Andrea shrugs.

“Yeah, well, I’m not going to use you. That’s what I wanted to let you know.”

“So do you need my help then?”

“Yes, yours and… Acrata’s.”

Lena notices Andrea tense at the mention of her villainous masked alter-ego.

“They didn’t activate me here in this Earth, you know that, right?”

“Yes, but… You still have the medallion and now you remember how to use it. Maybe you can make it work by yourself if that’s what you want to do. You know you can say no to my offer, right?”

Andrea’s smile eases Lena’s nervous heart, and when the Latina pulls Lena’s left hand and holds it ever-so-gently, the raven-haired woman just knows they’re going to be alright.

“You jumped without me, but I’m not going to let you drown.”

However, as quick as the feeling of easiness comes, it soon leaves Lena’s body.

“I can’t stop the Obsidian launch...” she begins to protest but Andrea cuts her off before she can finish.

“Because they would know something is off. It’s more dangerous to launch it.”

Okay, now she knew what Kara felt like every time their conversation went to Lena working with Lex and how dangerous that was for the young Luthor.

“I will do my best to discover what they intend to do with Obsidian,” Andrea says.

_Which is even more dangerous than trying to stop the Obsidian launch_ , Lena wants to say, but decides to keep her mouth shut. Andrea is a grown woman, after all.

—

They eat their meal in silence, the only sound between them being the occasional scraping of silverware on plates and the sound of chewing. Andrea had ordered a salad with mashed potatoes, since she wasn’t too keen to eat greasy food, while Lena had ordered scrambled eggs, bacon and mashed potatoes as well. Having a love for mashed potatoes was something the two shared. After several minutes, Andrea speaks up again, breaking the silence between them.

“You never told me how you felt about the kiss.”

Lena freezes, not knowing what to do next. After a few seconds, she sets her silverware down and takes a deep breath. It feels like a trap.

“There was nothing to feel about it. It was just a kiss,” the raven-haired woman says, trying her best to convince her friend. “No offense, of course.”

“I know it was just a kiss, Lenita, but I know I was the first woman you kissed--”

“ _You_ kissed _me_ , Andrea”, Lena corrects her. Why was she talking about this and of all times why now?

“That’s true, I did kiss you _first_.”

Lena almost drops her silverware on the floor and she just stares back at Andrea, her jaw practically on the floor.

“What are you trying to accomplish by talking about the kiss?”

“Me? Nothing, I was just wondering,” Andrea shrugs.

“Wondering what?” Lena asks raising an eyebrow, curious to know more.

“How it felt for you. I mean, I am correct, right? I was the first woman you have ever kissed or that has ever kissed you?”

“I really don’t see what the point is here--”

“What did you feel? Did you like it?”

Lena grimaces and snorts. “Are you really asking me if you are a good kisser?”

“Oh, no, Lenita, _I know I’m_ a good kisser. What I want to know is if _you enjoyed_ being kissed by a woman. You know it’s different than being kissed by a man.”

She swallows, hard. Andrea was right. It _is_ different. Softer, kinder, _better_. Kissing Andrea made her whole body tingle and vibrate like never before. It felt strangely natural too, although her mind decided later on that Lena hasn’t kissed the right woman. Although, for her body, it didn’t matter what woman she had kissed, only that she had finally kissed a woman.

No, it wasn’t that kissing men was bad, but it wasn’t great either, especially when sober. Andrea wasn’t kind like Jack or assertive like James, and her friend wasn’t trying to charm her like Darren or Thomas, but kissing her felt a hell of a lot better than kissing all of her past boyfriends.

“It was… an experience.”

For some odd reason, Andrea laughs. It was better than her pressing further on the matter because Lena doesn’t want to deal with this type of problem right now.

She was still talking about her trust issues and how at the end of the day she keeps coming back to the people who hurt her the most while keeping away the ones who are truly sorry for wronging her.

Talking about kissing girls is… well, not important right now.

“So, am I a good kisser?” Andrea teases, letting out a loud laugh and continues munching on her greens and tomatoes.

“Drea!” Lena exclaims in horror and her face turns red from embarrassment.

It is Sunday when she decides to cancel her sleepover at Kara’s, again, using the same excuse that Lex was onto her. However, truth be told, her brother wasn’t showing up as much as she had told Kara he was. Yes, Lena was lying, but there were some days when her brain would massacre her. Especially, after talking with Andrea.

Lena was constantly thinking about the differences between kissing men and women; like how it felt natural to move close to her friend and kiss her again, something that it didn’t occur when she kissed men. She especially thinks about what it would be like to kiss another woman besides Andrea. More specifically, a blonde reporter named Kara Danvers, which she could add to the list of reasons of why Earth-Prime was Hell.

When Wednesday came, Lena went to her therapy appointment like usual. It had been a month or so since she started going and it was the best decision she had made for herself. Yes, some weeks she would leave her therapist’s office emotionally and physically drained, but other weeks she would leave the place feeling like every existing door was giving her an opportunity to start over.

This Wednesday was the kind of day that left her feeling drained. Therefore, canceling her plans with Kara on Sunday was actually for the best because she didn’t have the energy to be even somewhat of a good friend.

In addition, tomorrow would be even worse as she would finally have the opportunity to talk to her mother.

—

Sneaking the Truth Seeker out of DEO’s warehouse wasn’t an easy task, but Lena couldn’t go and speak with her mother without it. She knew she was risking a lot by going to where Lex spent most of his time, but the risk was worth it. Lena couldn’t trust any members of her family after all, as they were Luthors.

Thankfully, Kara had agreed to help her get the Vertullarian and quietly wished her good luck. For a few seconds Lena actually felt like her conversation with Lillian wouldn’t go off the tracks and plummet to the waters below. Except, it was Lillian she was talking about. The mother that never tried to love her despite saying once that she _did_ in fact love Lena. Well, in her own twisted way at least.

She meets Lillian at her penthouse. It was bigger than Lena’s and way more impersonal than her place, that gave off the impression that no one really lived there. It wasn’t a home, and that was no surprise considering Lillian had always preferred their manor that was located in the outskirts of Metropolis.

“Oh, look at that. You brought my old friend with you,” Lillian says, her snide comment not surprising as it was the typical greeting in the Luthor household. The woman was sitting in her couch reading a book Lena didn’t mind seeing what’s about.

Lena doesn’t flitch at the bitter comment, as she is used to much worse from her mother.

“One can never be sure.”

“Right,” Lillian retorts. “And why did it take you so long?”

“You weren’t the only one whose memories needed to be restored.”

Her mother glares at her, displeasure plastered across her face.

“And who was more important than me?” She asks, crossing her arms.

“Andrea Rojas,” Lena says matter-of-factly.

She doesn’t miss the way Lillian’s eyes shine or how her lips twist with subtle joy. It’s odd as it feels as if her mother is pleased to hear her mending the relationship with her old best friend.

“I see. So how is Andrea doing? I’ve read that she soon will be launching an upgraded version of her Obsidian tech.”

Lena’s stomach twists painfully at the remark.

“Andrea is fine,” she manages to croak out.

“Right,” her mother replies, giving her a questioning look.

The tension between the two of them in the room is so thick, one could cut it with a knife. They remain in silence for what seems like hours until Lillian finally gets up from the couch only to silently guide Lena to the dining room where they each sit on one end of the dining table.

“So, why ask for the Martian to come and restore my memories now? Why not wait or even not restore them at all?”

“Because I decided I need your help now and didn’t have any other option.”

Lillian smiles arrogantly. “And here I was thinking my children didn’t need me after all. What’s changed?”

The raven-haired woman takes a deep breath and controls her desire to say she is _not_ Lillian’s child. It’s not relevant right now though and she needs her mother on her side.

“Nothing’s changed except me. _I_ am changing.”

The way Lillian raises her brow expectantly makes Lena question what her mother expects from her and their conversation.

“And what’s my place in this… _change_ … of yours?”

Lena rolls her eyes. She feels her mother is taunting her somehow.

“Well, you know, who better to plan Lex’s capture if not with someone he planned to kill?” She teases back, only to hear a scoff as a response.

“I thought you were working together.”

“And I thought I had died after being hit by an anti-matter wave, but guess what, mother, we were both wrong.”

“Ever so disdainful,” Lilian says, a scowl plastered across her face.

Lena merely shrugs, uncaring of her mother’s words.

Lillian plays with her fingers before getting up and making her way over to the small bar that is located a few feet away and pours herself a glass of red wine.

“So, are you working with Supergirl, then?”

Lena raises an eyebrow

“Mother, you know who she is so why not use her real name?”

“Ah, you found out.”

Lena grimaces.

“No, your dear son told me after I shot him, twice.”

She closely watches her mother, trying to gauge her reaction, but Lilian was known for having an excellent poker face, so face remains unreadable.

“Oh, well then. It seems the cat is out of the bag,” she remarks.

“So, are you working with _Kara Danvers_?” Lillian asks, over emphasizing Kara’s name knowing the effect it would have on Lena.

“Would it stop you from joining me?”

Lena does her best to sound nonchalant, but it’s hard when she knows her chances to send Lex to prison are even greater if her mother is on her side.

“I do have to keep up a façade on this Earth,” her mother comments, shrugging indifferently.

“I guess we have a common target again.”

Lillian returns with two glasses of wine and hands one to Lena. The young woman sees the pain behind her mother’s eyes.

“You don’t want to do this, do you?”

“He’s my son.”

“He’s your favorite.”

“Yes, and yet he plotted my assassination while I was in prison for trying to keep _his_ legacy alive.”

Lena takes a sip of wine, trying to buy extra time while she thinks about what to say next. They never saw eye to eye, so it’s not easy to understand what her mother is going through. However, Lena envies the woman for being able to let go of her own son even though Lex is her favorite child. Not that Lena has ever felt like Lillian’s daughter.

“I bet you never imagined one day you would be talking to me about stopping Lex and whatever evil schemes he has planned.”

She takes another sip.

“I guess when you are a Luthor, a day would eventually come when you would betray your most-loved child’s trust.”

Lena furrows her brow trying to understand what her mother is talking about. Yes, Lillian has betrayed Lena more times then she can count, but then again, she was never Lillian’s favorite, always playing second fiddle to her brother

“I don’t get it. Are you implying you have betrayed--”

“Your new assistant is a sweetheart and also very helpful,” her mother responds, cutting her off.

Lena’s stomach drops and her palms start sweating.

“She told me you have an appointment every Wednesday that takes two hours of your day. Is that true?” Lillian’s voice is sharp, almost acid.

“Why do you want to know?” Lena says, putting her emotional walls up in defense.

“Are you going to therapy?”

The pointed look her mother gives her is enough to let Lena know that the woman already knows the answer to her question. She simply sighs.

“How is that relevant?”

“Have you mentioned the boxes?”

Lena crosses her arms and snaps, offended by her mother’s words.

“Can you answer any of my questions or is that too difficult for you?”

Her irritation level is reaching its breaking point and gets the best of her. She feels like she is the prey to an unmerciful predator.

“I still remember how you decided it was best to cram everything bad that happened to you in those boxes and shove them to the back of your mind.”

She doesn’t want to hear whatever story Lillian has about her childhood, as there is enough pain that comes to the surface when Lena has her weekly therapy sessions. She doesn’t need to suffer through that outside her therapist's office.

“Please, don’t tell me what happened,” she says, her voice soft and emotionless.

She notices her mother seems to consider it for a moment and actually take time to think about her daughter’s request for once.

“I think it’s time for you to know,” Lillian insists.

Her words are like a stab to Lena’s heart. She should’ve known better than to think her mother would actually care about her feelings for once. What makes her heart ache isn’t the lack of respect regarding her request, it’s the softness in Lillian’s voice. It’s the gentleness of a mother who’s about to explain something traumatic that will forever scar her child.

“I didn’t like you...” Lillian begins to explain.

Lena rolls her eyes, but she keeps going.

“...and how could I?” She continues.

“You were the product of the love between Lionel and your mother. He could like that his son was Lex and be happy that his first born was a man. However, that would never surpass the fact that you were born from love. Lionel loved your mother even though he meant nothing to her. The way I see it, Lionel was nothing but an one-night stand, a man with whom she had fun with.

“And whoever she was, she was smart enough to not want something serious with an alcoholic, as she was his last true love. I just couldn’t compare and never measure up to her. No woman could, but at the end of the day I was the one who married Lionel Luthor. I wasn’t happy, but what is happiness when I had a last name that could give me the status like no other one could? My career was validated by it.”

Lillian shrugs and sips her wine. Lena wants to ask her to get to the point, but she remains silent, letting her mother continue the story on her own terms

“Then you appeared. Life before _little Lena_ wasn’t perfect. Your father sometimes would drink to the point of passing out. There were episodes of aggression, moments where I had to shield Lex from him. You didn’t know what it was like because he never raised a finger to you. You were his princess, the child of a love he would never forget.”

The uneasy smile Lillian makes causes Lena to cast her eyes downwards and she stares deep into her wine glass.

“I thought you were too precious for all of that, while my son, my dear Lex and myself, weren’t. Hating you was easy. Until one day you were eight, and Lionel was wasted. He had ended up drinking so much more than a man his age should drink. Yet, you were unaware of the condition he was in and went to talk to him about one of the newest prizes you had received for fencing when he beat you. It was broad daylight, he was in his office. How could you have known, right?”

There is no air in her lungs and it was as if all of the oxygen seemed to have been sucked out of the room.

“That’s not-- I don’t-- I don’t remember that…”

Lena tries her best to not burst into tears. She thinks Lillian is messing with her mind because she just revealed she had killed Lex only moments before.

It’s payback. It’s a lie; a dirty and low lie.

“I know you don’t, but I saw it. Lex saw it too. Lionel slapped you in the face and gave you a split lip.”

“How can I trust that this story you’re telling me is true when I don’t remember any of it ?!” She barks, but Lillian ignores her.

“After that I realized that not even you were precious to him when he was drunk.”

There is a hint of sadness in her mother’s voice and it almost sounds like guilt.

“Lex realized the same, but I guess he was already twisted. Maybe he was always that way, and I just didn’t want to see it.”

“I asked you a question, mother!” Lena spits out.

“Mhm? Oh, yes. See, later that day I went up to your room to check on you, but before I reached the door, I heard Rosario talking to you. I hung outside and heard her tell you the method of storing everything that made you feel bad or hurt in little boxes in your mind I don’t remember her exact words, just that she was teaching you to compartmentalize. It worked like a charm because the next morning you acted as if nothing ever happened. Your father was ashamed when you appeared acting like your split lip had nothing to do with his drunken behavior, as he was ready to ask for forgiveness.”

“I, I... that can’t be true. It’s not...” Lena stammered.

Yet, it felt real.

“I gave her a raise and I stopped making your life a living hell for some time, but then your father started drinking even more and Lex started to tease and diminish you, and you used the box method even more.”

She was crying although she couldn’t feel the tears that had begun to stream down her face and drop to the table below.

“Why are you telling me this now? What do you think will happen after this? Do you think that I’m going to magically forget everything you had put me through, and we are going to be a happy family?!” Lena shouts, green eyes piercing right into her mother’s.

“No, but since you are going to therapy, it’s something I have wanted to talk to you about.”

Lena’s laugh is hysterical and dry. She is hurting and lost. Yes, after hearing Lillian’s story a lot of things made more sense, but that didn’t ease things; it actually makes things worse. Knowing why Lena resorts to putting her feelings in tiny boxes brought pain, a sense of loss of her identity and of self-perception.

Who was she when every time something unpleasant happened she put her feelings inside a box to never be opened again? At the same time, her awful coping mechanism explained why she had reacted so poorly to Kara’s secret, and decided to ‘fix’ humanity. There was no room to stuff all of her feelings inside of a tiny box that time.

No, she felt all of the shame, humiliation, anger and hurt. However instead of talking about it with someone, anyone who would listen or just moved on, she used her feelings to feed her will to ‘improve’ humankind.

She dries her tears on the sleeves of her silk blouse.

“It’s also the reason why I paid off Taylor Fairchild to end things with you.”

“How those things are even connected?” She questions, her voice breaking as the words leave her mouth.

All she wants to do right now is go home and sleep, preferably snuggled with her old teddy bear, Ms. Pizzly. She didn’t care that it seemed childish, as she just needed to find comfort in anything, knowing humans couldn’t provide that to her.

“Do you remember that the boarding school would send their event calendar weeks before the school year started?”

She nods in the most child-like way and that’s how Lena feels, like a vulnerable kid in front of a bully. Ignoring how a Luthor should properly sit at the table, or any decent human being for that matter, she puts her feet on the edge of the chair, bringing her knees up to her chest and embracing her legs with her arms. She stares at Lillian over her knees, as if she’s a child and not a CEO of a multi-million-dollar company.

“You were already friends with Andrea, of course. You were both eager for junior year to start because the school would have a Sadie Hawkins’ dance during homecoming. Because you two were inseparable, she ended up spending the end of summer vacation at our house. I learned that you two were planning on going to the dance together.”

Lillian glances down into her wine glass and smiles, while Lena furrows her brow.

“See, I may not be your _mom_ and I might be one of the reasons why your childhood was traumatic, but a mother knows certain things even if the child is not hers.”

The way she says it makes it seem as if it’s a lighthearted joke, but it’s definitely not and it makes Lena’s insides twist and turn,

“I had a feeling you two were more than just friends, but I never said a thing because you wouldn’t believe me. Plus, I didn’t want you to feel pressure to be someone you weren’t ready to be. It would be my… _gift_ … to you after years of pestering you.”

“Yet, I had the feeling that one night something happened because the next day you had your classic ‘I put something in a box’ smile. I found it strange, but didn’t say anything because you and Andrea were still friends. Then school began again and with classes, came the dance and you…”

“…and I invited Taylor Fairchild,” Lena mummers, completing her mother’s sentence for her.

She doesn’t recognize herself anymore. Lena could say Lillian was lying, but those stories hit too close to home to be a well-elaborated lie. Plus, why would her mother lie about something like that? Because Lena had killed her mother’s golden boy? Lex is alive and well, while Lena is living in a constant state of pain and turmoil.

“The interesting part was is that you invited him. Don’t get me wrong, he was charming, but he definitely wasn’t Andrea.”

Lena rests her chin on her knee.

“You are impossible, saying that you paid him off because you wanted me to be with Andrea,” she mutters meekly.

Lena is tired of this conversation and just wants it to end. She is feeling so small that it causes her to wince when her mother lets out an ironic laugh.

“ _I_ didn’t want that, Lena. I would’ve welcomed you as you were because I owed you that. However, I only did it because I knew if you and Taylor didn’t break things off, you would go and end up marrying the boy after college! You’d be miserable with him!”

Lena scoffs.

“As if you would care!” She snarls, letting go of her legs and adjusting her position so she is sitting upright in the chair again.

“You can’t just say a bunch of shit because I hurt your feelings by shooting your psychotic son!” Lena shouts, pushing the chair back behind her so she is now standing in front of it.

“I’m not lying this time, Lena. If you must, you can use that thing on me to prove that I am in fact telling you the truth.”

“What’s the point?! Maybe the Truth Seeker won’t work on you because _you_ believe so much on that, but that doesn’t make it the truth!”

Lillian gets up from her chair, pushing it back as she stands, mirroring Lena’s position.

“What are you afraid of then? That what I am telling you is actually _the_ truth?”

All of a sudden, the room starts spinning, and the floor appears wobbly. Lena’s legs feel like Jello, unable to hold her up anymore, and it feels like most of the oxygen has been sucked from the room yet again.

“You are messing with my head,” she snaps at her mother.

Lena backs up and ends up bumping the chair behind her.

“Lena, darling--”

Lillian strides over to the other end of the table, reaching for her daughter, but Lena snaps her arm out of her mother’s grasp.

“Don’t darling me! You’re not my mother, you were never my mother, so you don’t get to be kind to me while implying that I’m, I’m-- which I am _not_!” She stutters.

It feels like there is still barely any oxygen in the room. She inhales and exhales, but it does nothing to alleviate the lightheadedness.

“Do you know why I never told you that Kara Danvers was Supergirl?”

Lena just stares at her mother. She doesn’t want to listen. She _won’t_ listen to this nonsense. She won’t allow her mother to tell who she is or whom she likes.

“Don’t you dare,” Lena growls.

It’s a box she will never open, but also one that Lillian now has the key to.

“You actually know, don’t you?”

Her hands are shaking and no matter what she does, she can’t stop herself. The world around her is shattering into a million pieces once again because of a reveal. This time, however, it’s nothing related to secret identities of heroes she once trusted or regarding friends she once held dear.

“You don’t get to do this. Not after everything you have done to me.”

It’s low and desperate, literally begging her mother to stop anymore words from spilling out of her mouth. It’s torturous and inhuman. How much more does she have to lose for people to realize they took every piece of her?

“I know I crossed the lines--”

Her laughter is dry.

“You _crossed_ the lines?! Oh, mother, you always acted like there were no lines.”

She decides enough is enough and grabs the case where the Vertullarian sits. “I’m done with you. When you have decided to help me stop your son, you can call me.”

She begins to leave, heading towards the direction of the door to the dining room, but her mother’s words stop her in her tracks.

“You know I’m right, Lena. That’s why you won’t use the Truth Seeker on yourself.”

Lena freezes in her tracks, anger boiling in her blood.

“I don’t owe you shit.”

“Maybe, but you do owe it to yourself.”

Her lower lip quivers and she swallows back the tears prickling in her eyes. Lena won’t cry, at least not in the presence of her mother.

She needs a drink.

Lena also needs to see her therapist, but even after going for one month, she still didn’t feel confident enough to send a text to the woman outside of their normal visiting hours.

The hardest thing was walking through the street without breaking down in heavy tears. The world didn’t stop spinning just because Lena Luthor needed a break from her life to organize her thoughts and memories.

Life kept going even if the raven-haired woman begged for a few minutes to collect herself before facing all of the nonsense her mother threw at her.

She also needed her friends. If Sam Arias couldn’t be there, then she would go to her closest one. She would go to Kara Danvers. Even though being anywhere near her wasn’t the best choice at the moment.

—

It’s almost 4:00 pm when Lena arrives at the threshold of Kara’s apartment door. She is hesitant to knock, her stomach uneasy and a part of her hopes Kara isn’t home. Despite this, she musters up enough courage to knock, but when her best friend answers the door, she can’t quite decide if it’s a good thing or not.

“Lena, what happened?” Kara questions, her face laced with concern.

Lena barely lets Kara finish, practically cutting off her words as she springs towards her, letting her baggage fall to the ground so she can properly give the blonde a tight hug.

She embraced Kara as if her life depended on it, and well, if she was being truly honest with herself, it probably did.

The young Luthor has begun weeping when she finally frees herself from Kara’s strong yet gentle arms. Her eyes are red, and the tears make the olive green of her irises pop. The contrast is too much for Kara to handle.

She ushers Lena in without asking any further questions; not that Lena would be able to answer them anyway, as tears cascade down her face and sobs escape her mouth.

Kara guides her friend to the couch and as soon as they sit, Lena presses her body against Kara’s side and rests her head on the blonde’s shoulder.

“That bad, uh?” Kara murmurs.

Another sob escapes from Lena, unable to contain her emotions.

“Oh, Lee,” Kara coos.

Her words are soft and welcoming, like a fuzzy blanket being placed over one’s body, ready to snuggle in for the night.

“I’m sorry Lillian didn’t--”

“I never wanted my mom so much as I want her now,” Lena interrupts, her voice sounding broken beyond repair.

Although Lena can’t see Kara’s face, she feels her friend wincing from her words.

“I just miss her so much. I just, I _need_ her, I... It’s not fair, not anymore, Kara! What did I do to get stuck with Lillian? And why did she have to... it’s, _not, fair_!”

She presses further against Kara’s body and suddenly Kara wraps her arm around her, in a side hug. It’s not comfortable for either of them, but the blonde’s warmth does its job and slowly calms Lena down.

“What did Lillian do?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lena replies, her body spent from all of the crying.

She moves her head and positions it on Kara’s lap, boundaries and bashfulness be damned.

“Of course, it matters. Lee, the last time I saw you like this was when you told me you killed Lex.”

There’s still a lot of pain between them; not everything had been fixed, but that was a conversation for another time.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lena mumbles.

Kara sighs, hoping her friend would want to open up to her, but she respects Lena’s wishes and doesn’t pressure her further.

She ends up being Lena’s pillow for the rest of the afternoon, letting her rest. However, when she decides that it would be more comfortable for the both of them to move the raven-haired woman to her bed, Lena stirs.

“Oh, hey there,” Kara says sweetly, smiling down at the young Luthor.

Lena feels her body ache everywhere, as she realizes she had been in this position for far too long. Sitting up, she stretches her arms and legs out while yawning and then rubs the sleep from her eyes.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Wha’timez?” Lena stammers, brain still foggy from her nap.

Kara chuckles. The young Luthor looks at her, feeling a little disoriented.

“Whatcha doin’ her’?”

The blonde giggles, amused by Lena’s delirious state.

“So _that_ ’s your American accent?” Kara jokes.

_What is Kara talking about?_ She wonders.

“It’s cute,” she adds, smiling at Lena.

Lena’s face turns a shade of red and clears her throat as if something was stuck in it. Of course, Kara gave her the ‘only for Lena smile’ which made her heart melt every time.

Glancing around the room, she realizes she’s still at Kara’s, with Kara there with her. She grabs her cell phone to check the time and realizes it’s past seven. She is still a little disoriented, especially because of the particular dreams she had while napping. Ones that felt more like memories she forced herself to forget than actual dreams.

“Shouldn’t you be patrolling the city?” She questions, and realizes her mouth feels dry.

“Yes, but I sent a text to the Superfriends to let them know I’m unavailable this evening.”

A quiet ‘oh’ escapes from Lena’s mouth.

“You didn’t have to, Kara. I can go, actually, I should go, I--”

She tries to get up only to be pushed back down onto the couch by a very strong yet delicate Kryptonian.

“Yeah, no, that won’t happen.”

Lena stares blankly at Kara and wonders why she won’t let her leave.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’re staying the night. I know you, Lena. You will go back to your penthouse, grab a bottle of scotch and drink your feelings away well into the night.”

The young woman would love to argue that her friend is wrong, but she knows she isn’t. Lena would go to her penthouse and would drink until passing out on the couch in her living room. I mean, that’s how she dealt with most of her problems.

“What does your sister think of this?” Lena asks.

Oh, yes, because Alex is still on board the ‘Lena is not to be trusted’ train. Again, the woman doesn’t blame the older Danvers. It’s just hurtful because they were so close to being friends.

“I don’t know. I texted the group and then silenced my phone,” Kara says, shrugging and waving her hand mindlessly.

“Kara! You can’t silence your phone! You’re Supergirl. What if there’s an emergency?”

“What could be more pressing than my best friend crying her eyes out?”

She ignores how her body responds to Kara’s words. Lena can’t think about what her mother told her, not now, not here.

“Well, I can name quite a few things and if I start the list now, I’d finish by tomorrow night,” Lena explains. “There are so many things more pressing than--”

“Well, I don’t care.”

Kara says this so casually that Lena almost believes her friend would be capable of not helping someone in need because of Lena. Keyword _almost_.

“So, how are you doing now? Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m okay, but I still don’t want to.”

Once again, Kara doesn’t press her, and Lena is thankful that at least one person in her life today is willing to respect her wishes.

“Okay. What about a sleepover then? You did cancel on me yesterday,” the blonde says lovingly.

It’s unfair how easy it is for Kara to be so charming. The hero doesn’t even have to try, and Lena hates her for it.

She also hates Lillian for opening this specific box just enough to give Lena a peek of what she’s been keeping inside.

“Okay.”

Kara squeals and it’s just-- God, it’s _fucking_ endearing that Lena doesn’t know what to do. How can the Girl of Steel be so goddamn precious and sweet?

“Okay! I’m going to order food because you’re probably hungry. Crying does that to people,” Kara says and as if on cue, Lena’s stomach growls in response. “Then, you can choose what are we going to watch, whether it’s a movie or tv show. You have a better taste for choosing this sort of stuff than me.”

Kara zooms around the room, and within a few seconds the blonde has her phone in one hand and an arm full of takeout menus in the other.

“We can just, I don’t know, chill? We don’t have to watch anything if you don’t want to,” Lena says, shrugging as she watches Kara trying to choose a restaurant to order from.

“Yeah, I mean, we can, we can just… chill, and, and talk,” she says furrowing her brow.

_Is Kara acting weird or is she being paranoid?_ Lena wonders.

“And what do you want to eat?”

“You know me. You can order anything, and I’ll eat it.”

“Except pineapple pizza.” Kara teases her.

“Yes, anything but that. It’s ridiculous.”

“Says you.”

“Yes, says me. You know I have eaten pizza from Italy and São Paulo, meaning that I have eaten the best pizzas in the world.”

The blonde scrunches her nose.

“Whatever. Pepperoni, then?”

“Sounds good to me.”

After Kara gets off the phone with the pizza restaurant, she begins setting the table. She grabs two plates, two sets of silverware, several napkins and two wine glasses. Lena had offered to help, but Kara insisted that she just relax on the couch as it wouldn’t take her long, as she did have superspeed after all.

—

An hour later, there’s an empty pizza box, a few soda cans and a few bottles of wine scattered about the table. The only reason why Lena isn’t totally wasted is because Kara drank a fair amount of it with her in solidarity.

“It’s so sad you can’t get drunk by drinking wine with me.”

Surprisingly, her words aren’t that slurred. Lena is only tipsy at best, but she feels fine. It’s like being on a boat and feeling the way it rocks back and forth from the waves.

“Why is it sad?”

The woman can see the curiosity in her friend’s beautiful eyes.

They are _so_ blue. Lena thinks of the cloudless skies in the summer when she is looking into Kara’s eyes. They also remind her of a river with crystal clear waters. Ones that are fresh and calming, yet can be blinding.

Okay, maybe she’s more than tipsy because no one thinks of their best friend’s eyes that way.

“Wine drunk is the best kind of drunk. At least that’s what I think,” she says shrugging.

Before Lena can take another sip of her wine, Kara snaps the glass from her hand and places a can of soda in its place.

“Kara, you bitch,” Lena shrieks.

Their eyes widen.

“I’m sorry, _what_?!”

Lena covers her mouth in shock, surprised that came out of her mouth instead of staying in her head. After a few seconds she uncovers her mouth whispering a guilt ‘sorry’, but Kara just laughs.

“I’m going to let that pass, but only because today was a rough day for you.”

The young Luthor feels Kara shifting uncomfortably on the couch. She can tell the blonde wants to ask her what happened again, but she doesn’t. It’s a good thing too because drunk Lena is an unfiltered Lena, and she doesn’t want to talk about how her dearest adoptive mother said Lena was a lesbian and therefore, liked Andrea _and_ Kara.

Although, if she ever decided to experiment with this sort of thing, she would see if she had any chance with Andrea or Kara. _But that is a bad thought. Bad thought, drunk Lena, bad thought._

“Well, there are a few alien beverages that can get me drunk,” Kara proclaims.

Lena raises a brow, suddenly interested at the sight of a drunk Kara and discovering what her personality would be like while intoxicated.

“But I don’t think it’s the same as getting drunk by consuming wine or beer.”

“Or five shots of tequila at Andrea’s twentieth-first birthday,” she reveals casually missing Kara’s grimace.

“Yeah, but, you know, I’ve gotten used to not being able to feel these things,” Kara explains, shrugging. “Like being hugged or, or--”

Lena sobers up almost immediately upon hearing her unpleasant words.

“Wait. You don’t _feel_ anything when people hug you?”

Her heart is suddenly aching and breaking. It’s not fair that the human (scratch that — _alien_ ) version of a golden retriever can’t feel what it’s like being hugged.

“No, I don’t. Unless it’s Kal-El or Mon-El, I don’t actually feel the hug.”

“Shit, that’s... that’s awful, Kara. But why do you hug people so much?”

If her heart wasn’t breaking before, it is now, especially when she notices the blonde smile sadly.

“Because I remember what it’s like to be hugged. So now instead of focusing on the feeling of being embraced by someone else, I focus on their heartbeats. Every heart beats differently, so I concentrate on each person’s unique sound.”

The room descends into a state of quiet for a moment and Lena finishes her Coke and grabs another slice of pizza, trying to make the situation less awkward.

“That’s why I never, you know, did the… _deeds_.”

She is sure she probably looks like someone who smoked more weed than they should have, with her slice of pizza hanging loosely in her mouth. The only reason why it currently wasn’t on the floor was only because her teeth were holding onto it for dear life. What should she do, though? Kara is implying something that is making her brain fry slowly and it doesn’t help that she is also half drunk.

She finally grabs the pizza slice with her hand and places it back down on her plate and adjusts herself on the couch. She can’t have any distractions for this.

“I am sorry, but I am a little drunk. Are you saying what I think you are saying?”

She never thought Kara would share this kind of information. They never talked about this sort of stuff, even when Lena tried to initiate the conversation a few sleepovers ago. Why is Kara doing this now?

Why now, God, _why_?

“Mon-El was my first because I knew he could handle me.”

Lena squeaks and it’s most certainly very unlady-like.

“Maybe I’m not drunk enough for this,” she mutters, forgetting Kara can hear her.

Her mind is racing, and she thinks so many unfriendly thoughts related to what Kara just said.

‘I _could’ve handled you_ ’ is one of many salacious thoughts.

She feels dirty and confused.

Lena feels fucking confused and it’s been a long, emotionally tiring day. She should just go home. Yes, she should go home because it’s not safe for her (or Kara) sleeping here.

However, she is drunk and when she is drunk, she ends up saying the stupidest things. Tonight, was no exception.

“I could build you a power-dampener,” she blurts out before she can properly think things through.

“What?”

“Yes, a power-dampener. One that doesn’t make you sick because of the side effects. I could do that for you... If you want that is.”

Kara seems confused, and Lena doesn’t blame the blonde. Even she doesn’t know where this is coming from.

“And why would you do that, Lena? It’s not like I--”

“Because of William.”

Her voice sounds too high, but Kara is more concerned about Lena’s obsession with her and William than with the way Lena’s heart is close to bursting out from her chest.

“I’ve told you there is nothing going on with him! We’re not dating!”

Kara is strangely and notably angry, but Lena ignores it. She has to fix her own mistakes before it is too late. Why did she have to offer this again? Better yet, why did Kara allow her to drink so much wine?

“Why do you keep implying--"

“I know that, but what if you fall in love with a human? Or, you just want to have casual sex? You wouldn’t have to look for an alien male for that or, or, or-- or avoid falling in love with a man. Also! Also, you have never been tickled, and, and you always have to overthink when hugging everyone you care about.”

Somehow, she manages to explain her point of view, well, sort of. Drunk Lena sucks. Who keeps letting her in?

“Yes, I’m building you a power-dampener.”

She avoids looking at Kara, who’s clearly flabbergasted by the whole thing. Yes, it was weird and completely unnecessary, but it’s too late to go back on her word now.

“I, uh, I don’t know what to say. You don’t have to--”

“Except that I do. It’ll be my apology gift.”

Kara grunts displeasingly and the thought of making her friend grunt, or yet even better, moan of pleasure makes its way into her mind. Lena takes a deep breath and drinks the Coke as she tries drowning out the thought.

_What a day to be alive..._

“Look, you gave me the watch. I just want to reciprocate by giving a gift to you as well,” she sates, mater-of-factly.

“But you already have, Lee.”

Her heart flutters at the way Kara uses her new nickname.

“You built a new suit to save me from kryptonite and made the anti-kryptonite shield. You don’t need to do more, especially if you are feeling guilty about how you have handled things.”

“I know, I know.” It’s soft, almost a whisper. “But my motivations are not guilt-driven, Kara. I think you deserve to feel how it is to be hugged by the people who love you just like I think you deserve to be touched by someone of your choosing instead of being with someone who has the strength to be with you. You deserve to be loved properly.”

Lena stays quiet as she draws random patterns on her black pants with her finger. She doesn’t notice the way Kara is watching her and then is slowly approaching her as if she has a particular goal in mind.

Lena turns her face only to see Kara is only a few inches away. They are close, but it’s not ‘noses bumping’ close. Still, it makes the raven-haired woman feel dizzy and tempted to kiss Kara right then and there.

Maybe Lillian is right.

But whatever she’s tempted to do, she refrains herself from doing it.

“So, how was it?” Lena asks.

Her question catches Kara off guard and her face wrinkles up.

“What?”

“What was it like to have sex with Mon-El? Aren’t Daxamites weaker than Kryptonians?”

She sees Kara blushing and stammering, which is oddly satisfying. It’s like payback from earlier for tempting Lena to cross a line she didn’t even know she had drawn between them.

“Uh, I mean, yes, they are...”

Kara clears her throat and adjusts her glasses.

“So, he didn’t actually _handle_ you, did he?”

Not that it’s a competition, but if it was, Lena would’ve turned the tables just now.

“You know what? I’m not going to let you drink anymore when you’re here. You get insufferable,” Kara states, her face now a bright red.

Lena casually shrugs and smiles. “That bad, uh?” She laughs as if she had told the funniest joke. Well, at least to her.

Ah, the wonders of being drunk even in the slightest. Lena has almost forgotten why she came here in the first place. Lillian’s words are there, present in Lena’s brain, but they no longer make her blood boil or t cause pain. Not at the moment at least.

—

They are laying about a foot apart, which Lena made sure of, on Kara’s bed, surrounded mostly by darkness except for a small patch of light that shone through the curtains. Lena ended up burrowing Kara’s National City University sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants that were a little too long and a little tight on her thighs to wear to bed. She’s completely sober now since she showered an hour ago, which Kara thought would do her some good, but Lena wholeheartedly disagreed.

She wants to go home now that her mind is clear, and she’s not intoxicated by alcohol.

Kara was right. Lena shouldn’t be drinking when she is here. Especially now.

Lillian’s words are stuck in her head, boiling in her brain. She is currently facing Kara, which brings certain memories back into her mind. Ones regarding her friendship with Andrea and how no other friend could compare to her.

Everything related to Andrea was more.

More intense, more real, more, just more.

It seemed that history is now repeating itself.

Lena also gets why her mother never told about Kara being Supergirl. Lillian could try to be a good mother to Lena as an apology, but the woman still hated aliens. Knowing her husband’s daughter was in love with an alien stirred up the worst feelings Lillian could have.

It’s awful parenting, but she had always known she couldn’t expect Lillian to be a good mother.

However, her mother may be wrong. Maybe Lillian read too much between the lines. Maybe Lena wasn’t falling in love with Kara.

Maybe she isn’t falling in love now.

She sighs.

“What’s on your mind?” Kara asks, interrupting Lena from her thoughts.

Lena stops staring at Kara’s wall and actually tries to focus on Kara’s face instead. Her beautiful face with flawless skin.

“I don’t know, I... My mother told me things that are still making my blood boil.”

Kara scoots closer to Lena.

“It must be something pretty serious since it made you drink two bottles of wine.”

“You drank them too,” she retorts quickly. “But yes, it was serious. It got me thinking that, that maybe I...”

She plays with the sweatshirt’s sleeves as she tries to find the right words. Kara reaches out and takes Lena’s cold fingers in her warm hands, but that doesn’t ease Lena’s anxiety. It actually makes her heart beat faster.

“You don’t need to say it if you don’t want to,” Kara reassures her.

Her breath tickles Lena’s nose in the most delicate and torturous way.

“Have you ever shoved a feeling down so hard because you just didn’t want to deal with it?”

The room is filled with a long and painful silence before Lena finally speaks again.

“I think I have. I think that I might,” Lena stammers.

She averts her stare and glances away because looking at Kara makes this harder than it already is.

“I might have fallen in love with someone and because it was new and different, I put that love in a box and shoved it deep into the depths of my mind, never to be opened again.”

“Oh,” Kara simply responds.

Lena doesn’t know what breaks her more, Kara’s reaction or her own half-ass confession. They are supposed to be best friends. If she can’t confide in Kara, then who is Lena going to trust with something so personal and sacred?

“I don’t know if I get you, but I know Alex would.”

She snorts thinking Kara is joking.

“No, I’m serious, Lee…na…”

Lena muffles her chuckle.

“I know you two are in bad terms, but Alex went through that in high school. She told me about a friend she had and how she distanced herself from her best friend after a sleepover or something like that.”

Kara not only looks serious, but she also seems… sad?

Lena decides it’s best not to question Kara’s expression.

“Whatever you’re going through, I think you should talk to her. It may help her remember, I mean you used to be her friend, too,” she says sweetly, a smile forming on her lips.

“Yeah. Maybe I could go talk to her.”

“Okay,” Kara says.

Lena can tell by her voice that she sounds happy and excited.

She knows the hero is tired of mediate things between her and Alex and not being able to invite the young Luthor to Game Night and such. They talk about how it’s not the same without Lena there.

Earlier today while they were eating, Kara was explaining to her how she can’t stand to lose and how neither Nia nor J’onn were good game night partners compared to her.

Lena didn’t know what to say, so she started to drink.

“Just so you know, I still plan on building the power-dampener.”

She doesn’t know why she just blurted that out again. It’s a bad idea and she knows it. However, she also thinks Kara deserves to properly hug her sister.

“Oh, okay. You don’t have to.”

“I know, but I want to. I meant the part about you deserving to hug your sister tight.”

Kara’s smile takes the raven-haired woman’s breath away. It’s ridiculous, although when Lena thinks about their relationship before the reveal and Earth-Prime, she remembers how she used to think Kara was too beautiful for her own good.

However, that doesn’t have to mean anything else.

Her head is pounding lightly, but what makes Lena avoid opening her eyes is the realization that she might be alone in bed. The thought of waking up without Kara in her arms is excruciating for some reason. Her perfume grounded Lena.

Nevertheless, the young Luthor opens her eyes and sits up grunting unhappily.

“Kara?”

She calls, her voice hoarse of sleep, only to notice a note written by her friend:

‘ _Had to go to a super emergency. Be back soon xo_’.

Being alone at Kara’s place feels strange because Lena doesn’t really feel dislocated as if she didn’t belong there. The blonde’s place was always cozier than all of the homes she has ever lived in with the exception of her home in Ireland, although she doesn’t remember much of it anymore.

She takes her time to get up and out of bed to go to the bathroom and take care of things. Once she has changed into her clothes, she makes her way into the living room.

“Morning.”

Lena jumps, not expecting to hear a familiar voice. She can feel her heart pounding in her chest.

“Jesus, Alex! You scared me!” Lena screams.

She would love to know _why_ Alex Danvers is here this early in the morning, but since Lena is just a guest while Alex is the sister of the person who pays the place’s rent and knows she frequently stops by without any warning, she decides she shouldn’t question it.

However, the young Luthor still rolls her eyes when she sees Alex’s pleased smile.

“Not going to inquire my reason for being here ?” She asks, sipping on her freshly made cup of coffee.

The red-haired woman’s voice has this arrogant tone that makes Lena want to punch the older woman in the face. She knows Alex wants her to question her.

“This is your sister’s place and you have the key,” she says shrugging, smiling inside when she notices Alex isn’t amused anymore.

“Kara explained that you needed to talk to me.”

Lena blinks in shock. _Effing_ Kara trying to help everyone as she can. Why did she have to make friends with someone so caring as the blonde hero? She can’t help but roll her eyes again.

“It’s not really necessary, Alexandra. Also, I have to work and so do you, I suppose?”

She collects her purse as she heads to the door, but Alex steps in front of her, crossing her arms and effectively blocking her path.

_Seriously?!_

“It’s Alex even for you,” oh, how rich. “And I quit my job.”

_Huh._ Lena didn’t know that.

“What do you want me to say? Congratulations on staying true to your beliefs?”

There is an edginess in her voice. The young woman is putting up her walls before Alex Danvers starts to trash-talk her. Not that she doesn’t deserve it. Lena knows what she did and what she tried to do, but it hurts a lot because no one but Kara tried to see things her way.

She was hurting and throwing a tantrum since she couldn’t handle her pain in a healthy way.

What she doesn’t expect is for Alex to take out her cell phone and show the pictures of her and Kara sleeping together.

“These are _adorable,_ ” the red-haired teases. “I’m thinking of starting an album with only photos of the two of you.”

Alex walks to the side of her, so Lena can have a better view of the screen, and shows photos of her and Kara from today.

“ _What_ , are you going to blackmail me with those?” Lena scoffs.

Alex seems shocked and offended by Lena’s implications.

“What? Lena, no, I--”

“So why are you showing me these if you’re not going to use them against me or to make me self-conscious? Yes, I’m a cuddlier, so what? Kara doesn’t mind! She actually has said--”

“It grounds her, yes, she has told me that.”

She blushes, which is awful. What is so awful? The idea of Kara sharing with Alex what she and Lena talk about at their sleepovers?

“What do you want then?”

Alex sighs. There was a time when they were so close to being friends. Lena never understood why Alex Danvers was suddenly defending Lena’s point of view as if the woman and Supergirl weren’t sisters. She also never understood what changed after that.

“You two looked… comfortable… in those photos.”

She blushes and looks down at the wooden floors, not wanting to make eye contact with Alex. The situation was awkward enough.

“Look...” Lena says glancing over towards the direction of the door that Alex is currently preventing her to get to. “I really don’t have the time, so--”

“Kara said something about you shoving down your feelings out of fear,” Alex explains, it all coming out in one breath. “Is that true? Because I’ve been there. Also,” she says, waving her cell phone in front of Lena’s face. “This doesn’t look platonic...”

Her heart beats violently in her chest.

“I’m going to stop you there, Danvers,” Lena warns, eyes piercing directly into Alex’s. “It _is_ platonic and I wasn’t talking about Kara. I…” she stammers.

Lena isn’t ready. She doesn’t want to talk about it.

Alex seems to sense Lena’s apprehension and puts her cell phone away, her face softening.

“Whoever it is, you can talk to me when you are ready. We’re still friends, Lena.”

Lena’s lips quirk in a dark, subtle smile.

“Why should I believe you? You had Claymore 3 pointed at me!”

“You were going to launch--”

“Or maybe because you, along with all of the Superfriends, advised Kara to not tell me her secret?”

“She did that with the best--”

“Or maybe because you pretended to be my friend and stood by my side when Supergirl and I were fighting again about kryptonite only to make a fool out of me?! Jesus, Alexandra, I don’t know why I can’t believe you would ever want to help me!”

Her mild headache has turned into a throbbing pain that makes Lena feel dizzy.

“It’s not like that! Lena, I...”Alex stops, at a loss for words. “I don’t know what to say.”

“The cat is out of the bag, Alexandra. I already know about Kara being Supergirl. Whatever you couldn’t tell me before because it was connected to her secret, you can tell me now, but then again, you won’t, will you?”

She needs to leave. She has a job to attend to and a brother to deceive. All while she tries to pick up the pieces of her heart that shattered yesterday.

“I thought so.”

She purposely bumps into the older Danvers, although she’s the one who loses her footing. Not that she minds it though. Alex is too shocked to move or say anything or so Lena thinks.

“You once said that Sam’s true nature wasn’t your secret to tell, that me being a DEO agent wasn’t your secret to tell. So why was it any different with Karat? She didn’t owe you anything. We didn’t owe you anything.”

Alex’s question hits her with the same strength Lillian’s implications of Lena being in love with Kara hit her yesterday. Maybe her mother is right, but she can’t deal with that right now. She won’t deal with that right now.

It was different with Kara because it used to be more. Kara was the very reason why Lena tried to be good. She wanted to be someone Kara could be proud of. She didn’t want to be far away from her best friend’s natural light and goodness. She was addicted to it. Kara has made her feel worthy.

“She did. The moment she wanted to be my friend, she owed me that.”

“I was your friend too.”

She wants to cry. What is Alex doing and why is the older woman using almost the same soft and gentle voice Lillian used yesterday?

What do they want from her?!

Why can’t they leave her alone?!

“Were you, really?” Lena asks, dodging the question and all of a sudden feeling the need to sit down.

“Yes…” she hums.

The young Luthor realizes she needs to eat and drink something before leaving or she will pass out. Her legs are mildly shaking, and the heels only make her feel worse. The combination of not having breakfast yet and the intensity of the conversation is making for a horrible combination.

“Well then, I will have to schedule a day to scream at you, considering how I’ve chosen your people over my brother for nothing.” She does her best to sound nonchalant.

She reaches for the door and strides out of the apartment. Thankfully, Alex does nothing to stop her. Once Lena is inside the elevator, she lets a sob out that soon turns into full blown crying over panic and fear.

Lillian _is_ right after all.

Lena is doing her best to not avoid Kara.

Or Andrea for that matter.

She hasn't fully accepted the idea of being in love with any of her friends. Lena knows it’s not their fault. No one makes other people fall in love with them on purpose. At least not Andrea and Kara.

However, being a constant presence in their lives has been the most difficult thing the young Luthor has done so far. She wants to distance herself, but what would she say to them? What would she say to Kara? _I’m sorry, I think I’m in love with you, but I don’t want to deal with these feelings right now?_ That wouldn’t do any good.

She also couldn’t go to Andrea and ask for advice. Yes, Andrea has said she wasn’t in love with Lena anymore because so much had happened between them. Also, life happened and Andrea met Russell, but Lena didn’t have the guts to go to her friend.

Also, what advice could she possibly ask?

Instead of that, Lena asked for a new pair of Obsidian lenses.

They mostly argued over that since Lena had told Andrea about Leviathan tampering with her friend’s life work. Andrea questioned Lena’s motives to need a new pair when these people were trying to use everyone’s information gathered in the lenses against them.

The raven-haired woman would never admit that she wanted them to create a scenario to kiss a woman to see if she was really a lesbian like her mother told her.

So, she told a little, white lie and that Lex had access to her lab files, so anything she was working on at Luthorcorp wasn’t safe and her brother could tamper with them. Andrea had believed her and therefore gave her a new pair of lenses.

In short, Lena’s therapy appointment was something else and the reason she was getting paid good money.

Yes, she could just skip over her issues with her own sexuality, but after one long hour of talking about how there were days she didn’t know who she was, the woman started talking about Lillian and the talk they had.

One thing led to another and suddenly she was spitting out the horrifying words ‘ _I think I might be a lesbian._ ’

This led her to a _fun_ rollercoaster ride of emotions, feelings, thoughts, and overanalyzing her every past relationship with men.

What had drawn her to Taylor, Darren or Thomas, and Jack?

Lena knew why she had dated James. It was because of Kara, and Sam, but she didn’t know what drew her to date her other past boyfriends.

Now she’s trying to figure it all out while building the power-dampener she promised Kara.

She’s also trying not to think about her last sleepover at Kara’s and how she almost told her that Alex had cornered her.

—

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees her cell phone light up, showing that someone is calling her, but she doesn’t glance over at it to see who it actually is. It vibrates relentlessly until the phone stays silent, indicating that whoever called gave up. It’s Lillian, she knows it, without even needing to check her phone. Lena had put her mother on silent.

She’s working from home, trying to finish the power-dampener before it’s time to go over to Kara’s flat and picking up the phone to talk to her mother would only delay her. Lillian should know after almost two weeks that Lena will not, under no circumstances, talk to her.

If Lillian wants to discuss a plan, the raven-haired woman will ask Kara to go with her.

The young Luthor doesn’t want to be alone with her mother.

She sees the screen light up again, showing that Lillian is calling her. Instead of ignoring the call and letting it continue to ring, she declines it as fast as she can and resumes her work.

What she’s developing is really one of her favorite creations. After working tirelessly in making green kryptonite from scratch only to isolate the bad parts, she bought a Michael Kors’ Pyper Rose Gold-Tone watch and disassembled it.

Lena made a new watchband, and the gold rose color matched the new kryptonite she had fabricated. The woman tried her best to isolate any properties that could make Kara evil. She wasn’t in National City when Maxwell Lord synthetized red kryptonite, but it made it onto the news so Lena was aware of what happened because of it.

She ends up working on the project for two weeks, isolating herself in her at-home-lab and having almost no contact with anyone. She finishes it up by assembling the watchband back onto the watch. It’s lead-lined so Kara will be able to wear it whenever she wants to. The pink kryptonite is hidden under the lead, but there’s a small button Lena added to the watch that it makes the watchband expand, showing the thin line of pink.

When Lena is satisfied, she leaves her improvised lab, located at the back of her apartment, and heads to her living room. On a table tucked away in the corner, sits a fabric-lined, silver box containing the Superwatch Kara gave her. She delicately places Kara’s watch next to it, closes the lid and strides into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

She doesn’t know yet if it is a good idea take it with her to test it out or leave it in the box for now. However, the sound of footsteps interrupts her thoughts. Quickly turning around, she realizes she isn’t alone anymore and the watch Kara gave her is in the trespasser’s hand.

“Hope?”

The smaller woman smiles.

“Not anymore, miss Luthor.”

Lena feels dizzy and fear encompasses her body.

“ _Eve_?!”

She sees Eve’s smile growing wider and more twisted.

“Not quite her either,” she says as her eyes glow green.

Before Lena can react, this Eve advances on her with a knife in her other hand and she wonders how she’ll be able to make it out of this situation alive.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know what I've said about writing standalone one-shots. Maybe one day, after I finished the series, I re-posted as a multi-chapter story because it makes more sense. But as for now, I'll keep as a series.
> 
> Feedback is nice. And you can talk to me on Tumblr: https://liapetros.tumblr.com/


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